Demi’s Dilemma
Demi, blonde haired, blue-eyed and still
beautiful in her 50s, is a long-time friend who lacks self-esteem. She entered
the world eleven months after her sister, Mary. As a child, Demi’s father beat
her with a belt, leaving welts and bruises. Her mother shamed her with hurtful
words and her grandfather sexually abused her. Mary mimicked the family’s
abusive behavior and bullied Demi.
At age eighteen, Demi’s parents kicked her out
of their house and out on her own. With only a few belongings, she walked onto
a small Montana college campus. Here Demi began a new life, earning a degree in
Elementary Education. Shortly after graduation, she entered the
world of work in her chosen profession. Demi became a successful tenured
teacher, then a victim of sexual assault by her principal. Upon reporting the
incident, Demi was accused of being the abuser, professionally humiliated,
suspended and then terminated. (It is important to note Demi’s experience is
unfortunately too common in sexual harassment/hostile workplace scenarios where
the abuser reverses charges and remains unpunished).
With
no support and unable to find a teaching position in Montana, Demi packed up
her two young children and moved out of state.
Eleven
years later, as an empty nester, Demi hit rock bottom. Fifty pounds overweight
and in another abusive relationship, she made the courageous decision to leave.
Demi returned to her parent’s home with hope of reconnecting and mending broken
relationships.
The desire for reconciliation must be mutual.
Without that all your efforts are futile.
Unable
to change her parent’s treatment of her, or find work in her hometown, Demi
relocated.
With
a fresh start in a new community, she found herself in yet another abusive
situation. This time Demi found the strength to walk away.
Weeks
later, Demi secured a job as a paraprofessional and moved in with a longtime
friend. Still desperately longing to heal the relationship with her parents,
Demi returned home for a visit, only to be rejected again.
You
cannot bury your past. It’s just that simple.
Demi
had been silent and ashamed about her past for more than three decades. I knew
she was going through a rough time and in a fragile state. Her last attempt at
reconciliation with her family caused her to finally reveal her deeply hidden
secrets.
“What
are you trying to accomplish? “ I asked.
“I
moved back home to be around family and put my life back together. And all I hear is ‘you are crap’ from my
father and ‘you can’t do anything from my mother’. Others tell me my life is a mess because I
don’t live a God-fearing life. I’m religious; I am just not a fundamentalist
and fanatic,” she told me.
“Have
you ever shared your story with a counselor, therapist or psychologist?” I
asked.
“No,”
she replied.
“You need to let others help you, and that
may mean getting professional help,” I told her.
Is it any wonder that Demi lost self-worth
and forgot how to care for herself? She
needs someone to advocate for her, so she can learn to advocate for
herself. Demi must make some challenging
changes and also remove negative stressors from her life.
I know this is hard,
but it is necessary to understand your past before you can begin the process of
healing. This all part of the P.I.E.S. journey
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